Not a Two

So I bought these jeans. I’m not at all into fashion and couldn’t care less about designer duds, but I am a compulsive reader (i.e. can't skip pages in magazines), and the stuff I read often mentions stuff like Seven7 jeans, which are supposed to be sooooo comfortable and fit soooooo well.

A few facts:

1. Unless you have a perfectly proportioned body, good jeans that fit well and are comfortable are really hard to find.

2. Even if you have a perfectly proportioned body, good jeans that fit well and are comfortable are really hard to find. Just not as hard as if you are NOT perfectly proportioned.

3. Designers only make stuff for size 2s.

4. I’m really picky.

#4 is a big factor. I am far from perfectly proportioned, in addition to being…not a size 2, and no one makes clothes for me. I can find jeans that fit my waist and hips, but then I can fit both my legs into one leg of the jeans. I’m short as well as…not a size 2, so wide legs, as well as boot cuts and flares, make me look dumpier than I already am. And comfort is really, really important.

So I have one pair of jeans I like, one pair that works if the other pair is unacceptably dirty, and I’m always on the lookout for something else. I got a flier from Lane Bryant that they were going to start selling Seven7 jeans, and the regular jeans were $20 off. So I ordered them.

They came in a few days. They looked good—I don’t like the dye to be too dark or dirty looking or too stripy or anything, just basic denim, which is also hard to find these days. I put them on. They fit great and felt, immediately, like they’d been mine forever. From my waist to mid-calf, they were perfect.

Did I mention I’m short? Not too short, just barely 5' 4", which is on the edge of petite. Petite pants are usually an inch too short, average about three inches too long. These were supposed to be one-length-fits all, but I guess they were afraid the Amazons would feel left out, because they had one major flaw.

About a foot of extra fabric past my ankle.

I’m not exaggerating! A foot! I was going to keep them anyway, but I tried to wear them three times. Once I rolled the cuffs. Donuts around the ankles aren’t an impressive fashion statement, even for those-who-couldn’t-care-less. I put them away, thinking later I’d try them with a wide cuff, like some of the crops and capris. When I pulled them on again, I realized the “wide cuff” would go to my knees, and I’d look ridiculous. I tried to keep them long, but the hand-me-down look is a bit less cute on adults than on five-year-olds named Spanky. So back they go to Lane Bryant, with a nasty note.

And on goes the quest to find the Perfect Jeans for Not-a-Twos.