I Want It All

I've had "I Want It All" running through my head all morning, for no reason at all. I didn't hear it, I didn't see the words somewhere, it's just there. I was trying to get it out, because Hello! High School Musical! *gag* But then I thought about the words, and hell, yeah, I want it all. So maybe I need to be like what's-her-face with the dog's name and just go for it. Maybe the mental is what I'm missing.

I was raised by a lapsed Catholic who struggled between what she was taught and what she taught us. Both sank in, one insidiously. Poverty is noble, hide your light under a bushel, do for others first, yourself dead last, and so on. I try to maintain balance (like, not go to the other extreme) and most of the time succeed. But when it comes to personal success, I have a hard time even breaking center.

While I work hard to achieve my goals, I think part of me believes I don't deserve them, or believes that if I think I deserve them, that's bragging and putting myself above others and that's not the right way to be. So consciously or not, I avoid it.

I know that In Real Life, there are always trade-offs. I don't regret the choices we've made or the sacrifices that come with them, and in most areas, they help me check off the list of things that qualify for "All." But that doesn't mean we have to settle.

I want my kids to get fabulous educations, and my husband to have a great, flexible job that he loves where he doesn't have to wear a suit. I want to not worry about money, which means making more money in the career I'm passionate about, the career that has led to those sacrifices we've made. I want success for my friends, so our get-togethers are a constant stream of celebration. I want my promotional efforts to actually work. I want to see my scattered family more than once a year. I want at least one of my books to be made into a movie, and to be allowed to lurk on the set anytime I want to while it's filming. I want Supernatural to last for five more years with no decrease in quality, and I want to meet Jensen and Jared in such a way that I stand out from all the screaming fangirls and they like me as a person and text me from time to time with things like "Jared is really smelly today" and "Jensen won't keep his hands out of my hair" and "We start hiatus next week, wanna hang out?"

Okay, maybe that's getting a little carried away. :)

Bottom line: I'm not going to chase that song out of my head. At least not today.

Aside: I was watching video of the Supernatural Convention, and I was amazed at all the people who talked about watching the show with their daughters, sons, and even grandmothers, and how the boys treated them all the same. They didn't have more respect for the adults, or give more attention to (or talk down to) the kids. They joked equally with everybody and appreciated everyone who was there. There's no reason why they shouldn't, but I still liked it.